Britinezation

Now I know what a statesman is; he's a dead politician. We need more statesmen.
Bob Edwards

435 house representatives
100 senators
1 vice president
1 president
8 Supreme Court justices
Total = 545 officials

This is the effective total of positions within our 3 branch system which governs over us. I bet you would have a hard time of naming more than ten people from the 545 available positions. Give it a shot. Prove me wrong. I will buy you a cookie if you can name more than ten. Serious. Most people can’t even name their state representatives, much less the representative of their congressional district. This frustrates politicians very much. They spend hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of dollars of their lobbyist’s money to ensure that you at least know their name…….. and it has gotten them nowhere.

“The Parable of the Pop-Star” can help you understand the lifecycle of the average politician. This is quite comparable to the life of Britney Spears, otherwise known as the Anti-Christ. She initiated her career as an impressionable Mickey Mouse Club Mousketeerina, and around the age of 16 completed the transition of selling her soul to Satan for some record sales. She initially convinced us of her spry innocence, youthful ambition, and vocal talent, but I was on to her Beelzebub-induced pop beats, short skirt, and goat-like facial features. After hooking millions of impressionable, young girls on her tantric cultic séances, Britney contained sufficient power to begin the mind altering process of “Britnezation.” Britnezation, like all other Lucifer induced transformations, is a three step process:
1. first you like someone
2. then you want to be like someone
3. then idolization causes you to mimic this person’s every move.

Most girls just started liking her music, then they liked her style and dressed like her, then they wanted to be an “innocent” slut just like her, then…do I really need to finish. The end result of Britinezation is to shave your head, get knocked up, become an alcoholic, hooked on drugs, become an emotional train wreck, and make a few truly bad CD’s.

It all starts because something seems fun, then they like the fame, then they need the fame, and then they will do anything in their power to keep the fame. In Britney’s mind, there is nothing wrong with shaving your head if it gets you back on the headlines for a couple more weeks. Do you know the difference between Britney spears and the average politician on a headline? I don’t either.

One day, a politician feels like a cast member on Cheers (where everyone knows your name) and then they enter their favorite bar and no one knows their name. It is a terrifying experience for a politician. A politician can’t imagine going somewhere and not receiving any special treatment. Once a politician finally has a life-altering experience in which nobody knows who they are, they realize they need to take it up a notch. Most politicians start promoting some radical legislation that gets them back on the headlines. Unfortunately, some politicians come from such radical states that nothing can help them but a real life scandal. Their only chance to become re-elected has nothing to do with what they have accomplished but how recognizable their name is on a ballet.

The news is filled with politicians exposed in the throes of scandals, affairs, rumors, gossip, and any other headline title. The GOP party is so scared of not being re-elected anywhere that they are confessing to an affair per week. Every politician now has a gay child, sex scandal, tax evasion, lobbyist connection, war criminal story lined up just waiting for that opportune time to open the can of worms.

The possibility that we, as a society, can end the political scandals being spewed before us can be compared to the treatment of a bug bite. What happens when you have a bug bite and you constantly itch it and give it attention? It never heals, in fact, it just itches worse. The more attention you give bug bites and politicians the more attention they will need for the future. You see, politicians are mildly more uncomfortable and annoying than wasp stings. The best thing we can do is simply turn the newspaper page, change the channel or act completely uninformed on political drama.

“Governor Richardson, I must say I was unaware that you have married a donkey and that you are addicted to heroin. I hope that works out for you. Take care.” Politicians can go through such an unfulfilling conversation only so many times until they will start committing suicide in mass waves. Wasn’t this what we wanted in the end anyway?